Fragility & Humility
I declared war on my habits surrounding my phone. I drafted hordes of soldiers within my Self. I fortified my walls. I hired some of the finest engineers in the land to construct weapons never-before used in the field of battle. I donned hand-crafted chainmail and wielded the samurai sword of my Will; and when I showed up to fight, I became immediately privy to the power and prowess of the opposing side. The technology in my pocket shook my entire legion to its core. I was immediately shown to be a human who was alone, afraid, and throughly conditioned. It was truly a pitiful sight.
There was one afternoon in the middle of the week, after a long morning of applying my Self in the world, where I was tired and mentally fatigued. My car was parked and I was eating some lunch before my next appointment and I was thinking to my Self that this exact scenario had occured so many times before, and every other time I had a sandwich in one hand and my phone in the other blaring commentary by some talking head. As I had declared war on my dependance on technology only two days before, I was HYPER aware NOT to reach for my phone and start mindlessly scrolling. Instead, I was confronted with a dark and deep void within. There was the enemy. True deep loneliness. I thought, “This is why most people would never try to curb these habits. This pain and emptiness is unbearable!”
“What if I need to receive an important message?” “What if someone needs me?” “What if a client needs to contact me in the last minute?” “What if COVID is spreading like a wildfire today; wouldn’t I need all of the proper information?” “Are people seeing what I posted?”….It went on and on and on and on and there were no corners of my soul left unmolested by my dependance on technology for feelings of connection and stability.
As I sit and pen this message, I am still feeling the reverberations of that moment of profound pain. This is what I am truly up against. It isn’t the glow, or the apps, or the entertainment I find my Self addicted to; it is simply the relief from the depths of my Self!
This week, I will recognize this as fact and I will face the demons of boredom and loneliness head on and with humility. My fragile emotional life must become fortified if I am going to survive at all in this war-torn land. I must be able to choose which technology I use, and when, and force each and every device to pledge THEIR allegiance to my health and well-being and not the other way around.
Death, I will contemplate you.
Loneliness, I will contemplate you.
Pain, I will contemplate you.
And I will do it all in my journal for Week 2.
Please Try Peace,
Book I’m Reading Now- Mastery by George Leonard.